Today’s Advice: Mobile Phones


I’ve had one for years, they have revolutionised business, liberating us from the wire; and keep us in touch with the world; more importantly loved ones. They are sleek, trendy and a lot of fun; Christ people have got together from a game of “Random Text”.

They are called mobile phones, because they are mobile and a phone, fit in a pocket, or bag really very very easily. Modern phones will play you Mozart when it rings if you want, or perhaps the 24 Ring tone like mine does …. a concept really not that hard to grasp.

But if you choose the most obnoxious, irritating ring tone, leave it on “LOUD”, and then fuck off for lunch having left it in your jacket, or on your desk; be prepared to come back and find it either in bits, in a pint glass full of water, or having to have it surgically removed from your nostril!

As for the gent behind me with all the IQ of a daffodil, who’s current ring tone on one of his 3 phones sounds like an alarm clock – yes a cock a doodle dooo, who uses loudspeaker” to discuss last weekends “lucky winner”; you are living dangerously my friend, and about to cop the rough end of this Glaswegian, the result will be a broken nose, me loosing a customer, and you feeling the real benefit of “vibrate & ring” …

Might I suggest “silent” mode in the orrifice?